Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
