Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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