The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
