I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
