oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
