When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
