This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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