I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
