I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
