He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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