Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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