I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Houston, we have a squirter
Blood and glitter go together right?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
