DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
