The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
