Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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