i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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