So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
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