It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
