Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
