I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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