If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
