Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
