dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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