Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
