my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
