I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
