My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
