What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
