Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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