i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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