Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
