I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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