Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
