Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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