Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
