i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
