I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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