I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
