I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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