1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
