I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
