Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You are a genius and a whore.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
