I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
