life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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