I have demons in me.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
