i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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