____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
