Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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