So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize