He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
