This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
