I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
