I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize