Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
