Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
