My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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