My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize