are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
