He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
